Jul 02
once again…
as i sit here contemplating sleep i think that i may have done that thing that i’m really good at doing… pushing people away when i try to keep them close… it seems to be my biggest flaw. its the little monster that always pops up just when i’m starting to feel the slightest bit sated… the worry, the doubt, the panic shortly there after followed by walls going up around me to try and block out the all too familure feeling of rejection and that painful feeling of not being good enough, not being worth it… tonight my brain has made my heart hurt. that feel like someone just sucker punched you and you cant seem to recover from it… angry butterflies flitter in my stomach and almost make me nausious and behind my tired eyelids my eyes start to tear, but i hold them back… like i always do. i dont want these feelings anymore, helpless, weak, unwanted, a meer shadow in someones life… i want to be wished for on some twinkling star. i want to know that someone wants me, needs me… why do i feel like thats almost asking too much? why do i feel like i’m being selfish when i’ve tried to be nothing but selfless…
