She's Unseelie

i find myself thinking way too much lately, too in depth, too frequently. i roll things around in my head way too much wondering if what i’m doing is really best for me in all apsects of if its just some fleeting desire to stretch my wings. i know my current situation is just poison for my life, i need to be out of it, but trying to figure out where to go is an completely diffrent delimima… i find it hard to sleep i lay there and concentrate on my breathing and the sounds of the world outside the window, and i find patterns in the noise that most people are too busy to hear, one would think these sounds would lull me into a nice sleepy stupor but they tend to only wake me up. i listen to everything around me in hopes that perhaps theres something there thats going to whisper the answers to me. Or perhaps…maybe… if i listen hard enough i might hear someone call for me, wanting me there with them… just to hear that voice say my name with some bit of longing behind it, with perhaps a hopeful sigh. Eventually i will wind up drifting off but normally its only due to complete exhaustion, mentally, emotionally, and physically my body just decides to turn off. Even my dreams tire me…. i struggle and i fight in my sleep, i reach and i always seem to fail. Occasionally, i do have the feeling of being nuzzled into, a soft sigh, some reliefe from whats going on… i can feel a hand interlocking with mine and giving it a squeeze and feel breath on my neck and shoulder but somewhere in my mind i know its a dream and i stuggle to hold on to the haze, i mumble in my mind ‘please dont let go’ but i always seem to wake up, alone. one side of my body always a little warmer than the other, one hand always a little tingly, as if they had just left my side right before my eyes open, i feel defeted. so many things i want to say, to get out but my teeth seem to block them before they cross my lips… my teeth say to me ‘you’ll only push them away if you say it, you’ll lose what little you have’… stupid teeth. and for the first time in months, the tears i’ve held back start to run down my cheeks and i reread to check for better wording of the things i want to say… i thought they had all dried up.